In The Name Of Thor's Golden Locks

Today, as I sat in my reclining chair, eating potato chips and watching trailers for movies that Ellen Page is in, I began to wonder. What, exactly, is going on here?

This has nothing whatsoever to do with Ellen Page. It's just a fact that I decided to stalk her today.

No, what I was wondering is: why in the name of Thor's golden locks can I not get a gorram job?!(Yeah, I just said "gorram", you gotta problem with that?).

I mean really. I'm not exactly overly qualified for any of the things that I've applied for, but I have applied to a frickin ton of places, and many of them were hiring! When I go into places I always dress normal, act friendly, and I'm sure to smile. My hair is a normal color now(because people kept assuring me that the unnatural hue it was before was the only reason I couldn't get a job. Thanks guys). I make sure to use my nice handwriting and spell everything right.

And I have not had one of those places call me. Nope. Not one.

Why is this?

I have my suspicions.

Ahemhemhem.

1. They're all Nazis
2. This is some sort of government conspiracy to make sure I never get a job, so that I'll be forced to become homeless instead. This way my dream of world domination will never be realized(because nobody listens to homeless people), and I will never get to turn Africa into my own personal amusement park where I can ride elephants!! I want to ride elephants!
3. They have more qualified applicants. PSHH. As if. They've got someone better than a college dropout who, for the brief time I did go to college, majored in absolutely nothing? They've got someone better than I? Who have never won any kind of award or participated in anything ever? I don't think so! ... I'm being serious here. I have trouble believing that there were a flood of  Harvard graduates applying at Petsmart at the same time as me...
4. They're intimidated by the imposing figure I strike. All five feet(and one inch) of me.
5. Everything sucks. I think that may be it.