How To Hunt Monsters



I am assuming, since you're reading this, that you are too lazy or cheap to take the Monster Hunting course at your local community college. I'm flattered that you think this will be a sufficient substitute, but seriously concerned about your mental health.

I'm not sure why you decided to hunt monsters; you will be in danger all the time and you will never have a love life because if you tell your date that you hunt monsters they will think you're crazy. Also, you will probably have to get a second job, because the government doesn’t fund monster hunting (unless you're more of a bounty hunter type, in which case I’m pretty sure you're a total douche bag).

If that doesn’t bother you, go ahead and read on.

I am going to try my darndest to impart my monster hunting knowlege upon you, and give you the brain skills to DESTROY SOME MONSTER FACE!!!

P.S. You're going to die alone.

Okay, first off:

Don't be stupid, stupid.

Okay, first thing's first; don’t be an idiot. I can’t stress this enough, you need to get your head out of your derriere. Go ahead and do it now, I’ll wait.

Once you've done that, here are some tips to help you not die:

·       Wear armor (duh)

·       Never EVER go after a monster you have emotional ties too. Whether it's the bridge troll who killed your grandmother, or the vampire who was your childhood friend. Get somebody else to off the beastie, don’t get involved if you have ties. Just don’t.

·       Never GET involved with a monster. Don’t be an idiot and fall in love with one or something, they're MONSTERS you stupid moron, they will KILL you.

·       Don’t skimp: Don’t skimp on armor, don’t skimp on weapons, don’t skimp on knowledge... oh wait, you already did that.

·Don’t be sentimental: You can’t be getting all choked up if it’s a baby monster; it’s still a monster.

·Sever ties: If you have family you like or close friends that can stand to be in your presence some monster that is smarter than you will most likely kidnap them and use them to get at you. If you hate your family like I do you’re fine, go about your business.

· No drinking: That’s right, if you’re going to hunt monsters you can’t be drinking. You have to constantly be ready for anything and that means not lying on the floor in your own vomit.

·No smoking: you have to be able to keep up with the monsters you are going to hunt, so you can’t be wheezing all the time.

·Diet and exercise: you’ve got to be healthy and fit if you don’t want to get your butt kicked by the first baby troll that comes along.

·Wear clothes that blend in with your surroundings. Camouflage is your friend.

·Get skills. Karate skills, boxing skills, nun-chuck skills, it doesn’t really matter what kind.

· Be broody and mysterious… it won’t help you stay alive, but it will make you seem cooler.

Other than that, you basically just need to read up on monsters and wait. If you're the douchebag I think you are, trouble will find you.